you make me feel pretty. and good about myself. and like i’m worth something. it’s been a while since i’ve felt that. so, thank you.
i wish i had a job. and i wish i had a friend i could share an apartment with. somewhere that’s far away from here. somewhere where things are actually happening. because i’m so sick of everything and everyone here. i’m so tired of the same old things, day after day. nothing ever changes, it feels like this one big rut. i feel stuck and trapped and i definitely don’t feel like i’m living. i just wish i had some way out.
Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with guys, or with people in general. All they do is end up hurting you. At least, that’s with all of the people I know, anyway. But deep down I know I’ll always keep trying to win people over, do everything I can to make things work. They never do, but I know I’ll always try. Maybe that’s fucked up, but it’s the truth.
i’m so lonely. i’m always so alone. and it hurts admitting that, you know? it hurts realizing you’ve got no one to turn to. waking up and wondering if anyone’s going to talk to you today. most of the time they don’t. it’s so hard for me to keep friends. i don’t talk about it a lot because it hurts too much. sometimes at night when i’m alone in my bed and it’s dark and quiet i’ll just lay there and weep for hours. sometimes when i’m in the shower with the hot water stinging my back, i cry about it. because loneliness hurts more than anything has ever hurt me before. i don’t know why i can’t keep friends. nobody’s interested in me. nobody takes the time to get to know me. i invest so much into people and get nothing in return. and sometimes i would just like something in return. i move too much. three times in the last three years, about to be ten times overall in a few months. it’s hard to keep connections. people just stop caring after a while. i’ve never had a friend longer than three years at a time. and even then, it was never really close. it’s 11:11 right now. i wish more than anything someone would simply want to be my friend. i envy all of the people i see daily with their best friends. i envy when people have people to turn to with their problems. i envy people who laugh and cry and make memories and plans and have a good time with their friends. i shouldn’t have to envy that. i should have my own. but i don’t. i never really have. and i’m so afraid…i am so honest to god scared that i’ll never have it. it gives me the worst feeling on earth to think about that. because i’m eighteen, and i have no one. when i was little, i always thought it would get better. that i would find people and i would have lots of friends and things would be amazing. but it never turned out that way. no matter how hard i tried. and trust me, i tried. i just don’t understand it. i don’t understand what’s wrong with me. i don’t know what to do to make it better, because everything i’ve ever tried has never worked. and it scares me so bad. maybe i just wasn’t meant to have friends. i don’t know. all i know is that it hurts like absolute hell.
i’m just tired. tired of everything. tired of people. tired of things. tired of me. tired of the whole damn world being about money and sex and who has the nicer things, who’s the best at this or that. i’m tired of keeping up appearances. i’m tired of going to sleep late at night because i’m too busy thinking about everything. i’m tired of missing things that don’t miss me back. i’m tired of being lonely. i’m tired of trying and giving everything i’ve got all for nothing. i’m tired of wondering what’s missing in my life. i’m tired of my so-called friends not being friendly. i’m tired of trying to be who they want me to be. i’m tired of getting hurt. i’m tired of failing. i’m tired of not being good enough. and i’m tired of being tired of it all when i can change it, but i just don’t know how. it’s like i’m stuck in this rut again and it keeps pulling me deeper and deeper in and it’s getting harder and harder to fight it. it’s wearing me down. and i need to find a way to snap out of it. because i’m tired of feeling this way.
i hate falling for people. because once i fall for someone, i get weak and vulnerable. and then i get sad and disappointed. it happens every time. i start having all these expectations. i start imagining what it would be like to kiss that person. i start thinking of all these ideas in my head that are so adorable, things i want so badly, but it doesn’t work that way. it never really has and i guess it never really will. and then i’m left just sitting here thinking, what did i do wrong? or, what did i not do right to make it happen? most of the time, they’re all talk. they put on a pretty little show and say pretty little things but that’s as far as they go. anyone could say that they like you, they want to treat you well, they want to be with you, but very little people actually mean it. and i guess that’s why i’m so frustrated right now. nobody means what they say. when will someone mean what they say?
i think i’m actually starting to like someone again. i think. and it sorta makes me feel bubbly inside and i haven’t felt this way in almost half a year, since the end of summer. the little things are starting to make me smile again. i’m just crossing my fingers it’ll turn out okay.
apparently today is “blue monday”. it’s suppose to be the most depressing day of the year, and i believe it. the day you realize your new year’s resolution is failing, the weather’s bad, you have no motivation to do anything, and it’s about the time you come to terms with how broke you really are. today has sucked for so many reasons. one being i never turned in my assignments because i have an idiot for an instructor. so now i’ve gotta drop the class before it drops me. another being i discovered the song “didn’t we shine” by waylon jennings and i can’t stop listening to it. and it makes me want to cry. it’s just been a bad day. i’ve not done anything to my hair and i have on no makeup. and i’m probably about to fix myself a bowl of ice cream. pathetic, right? i guess it’s a good thing that i just don’t care.
i’m actually so afraid of disappointing people. i’ve always been this way. and i guess everyone is to some extent, but it just feels like it’s extreme to me. it was easy keeping everyone happy when i was younger; make good grades, smile a lot, say the right the things, attend sunday school, never say the word fuck, make the right choices, laugh it off, win a trophy. those things were the key. but in the last few years i found that none of that works anymore. not really. it’s all bullshit. i’m so scared of being a disappointment, that it actually stresses me out and makes me crazy. i lie in bed all night thinking over and over the things i could’ve done better. it’s gotten to the point where it actually makes me sick to my stomach. so what i’ve really been trying to do lately is let the little things go. forget about the stuff that doesn’t matter because that’s exactly it…it doesn’t matter. i’ve been learning not to depend on people’s reactions so much. that i’m not going to make everyone happy. not everything is going to have a fairytale ending or a perfect turn out, not everybody is going to be pleased with me. so i’m learning to be okay with that. i think a big part of it is accepting yourself 100% just the way you are. so i’m working on that, too. i’m going to make mistakes, i’m going to screw up, i’m going to make bad choices. the trick is to letting it go, learning from it, and moving on with life. and that’s what i’m working on.
sometimes it’s hard, you know? knowing a lot of my friends started relationships around the same time i did. and seeing how theirs lasted and well, mine didn’t. theirs are still lasting. that’s tough. i’m happy for them of course, but it sucks knowing mine was just some small summer romance and theirs are actually meaning something, that theirs are getting stronger and better and lasting. they’re still happy. i sorta envy that.